i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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