My sheets look like a crime scene.
no, he came in my armpit
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
