what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
