Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
