you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
