I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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