Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
