i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize