so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
