I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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