I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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