guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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