I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
