This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
