I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
