I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Oh god it's open bar.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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