If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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