I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize