I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm like, not good at living.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
