I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How external is "for external use only"?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
