I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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