Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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