Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I supernannyed him into submission
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
