I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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