Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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