I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
