I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
