Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
