Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
