I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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