1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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