I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
