ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize