I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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