so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
