DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
