I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So much rum. So many feels.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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