No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
