I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
