I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
