I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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