he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
