oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
