Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
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