My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
