I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
