I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
