Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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