One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
