I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
