Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
