Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
