I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
