fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
