just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
