Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
