just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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