They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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