Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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