Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
