is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
