you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's official drugs can't kill me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
