She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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